Initiating an emergency protocol today, the House of Representatives enacted a policy whereby all suspected pedophiles in Congress will enter themselves into rehab for alcoholism. House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi commented, “Mark Foley has set a good example to all pedophiles today when he essentially admitted he had an alcohol problem. We hope that with some follow-up Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, Representative Foley won’t want to have sex with boys anymore.”
A spokesman for the FBI had his doubts. “It’s a little early in the investigation, but we haven’t found any beer cans or wine bottles in Foley’s home; however, we did find emails addressed to Jack Daniels, a former page.”
Foley is best known for introducing laws to safeguard children from sexual predators. Many Senate Democrats are accusing Foley of a political stunt. Massachusetts Senator John Kerry suggested, “It’s very simple. He wasn’t happy with the law he created — he thought it had too many loopholes and lacked enforcement. Representative Foley didn’t want to go through the work of drafting a new bill; he wanted to make a point. It really makes me sick that President Bush and Vice President Cheney are still in the White House, and now… now this disgusting act by an elected official.”
The new protocol will help prevent any laws being broken by people who create them. A chief incentive of the plan will set forth a large paddle, which will spank future violators. The paddle will be made out of wood — possibly oak — and there will be a heart painted in the center. If a Republican breaks a law, a senior Democrat will get to spank the offender, and vice versa.
Halliburton has already been contracted to construct the paddle. Immediately after the paddle is built, every member of Congress will be required to submit to a preliminary spanking. The spanking will be used to detect potential sex offenders. If enjoyment is observed by the majority of either House, there will be a demand for accountability and an investigation by the opposite party. All pedophiles will be treated for alcohol abuse, and all alcoholics will be treated for pedophilia.